If only Dr David Banner—occasionally The Incredible Hulk—had met Julie Christiansen,‘The Anger Lady’

I went on a long bike ride the other day and a high­ly experienced and extremely fit friend gave me this advice: ‘don’t pulse’. I didn’t get around to asking what he meant, but I think I got it. I didn’t hammer it; I went steady, and the miles floated by reason­ably comfortably. ‘Pulsing’ would have involved pushing hard, attacking the hills, getting on the ‘big ring’ too soon and, each time, I’d have needed to slow down dramatically to recover. Not good.

This got me thinking about the work environ­ment and how ‘don’t pulse’ makes solid sense there. Keep it steady, work at your optimum, stay calm, don’t ‘attack’ (in primarily the emotional sense). But what about those times when things get out of hand? When someone touches a nerve, for instance, by undermining your plans or your team? Or maybe the intern has taken your park­ing space for the third time in the same week? The pulse tends to race.
It’s a response that can have serious

consequences. A study in early 2009 by the Yale School of Medicine discovered that sudden mood changes brought on by confrontations or other dif­ficult situations can be very dangerous.

So how can an executive keep the pulse steady when things flare up? I caught up with the Niagara-based anger and stress management expert Julie Christiansen to see what I could learn.

Julie, also an international speaker and au­thor of many books on anger and stress manage­ment, points out that many execs slip into default mode, responding to conflict as they’ve always done, even though that may make things worse. “Instead of yelling, internalising or clenching, you need to train yourself to come up with a better strategy,” she says. “And if you incorporate it into your life, you immediately go to the new strategy, not the one you are inherently wired with.”

Colleagues and clients, let’s face it, are inevi­tably the central source of workplace tension. So while Julie and I were chatting, she pinned down a few of the more colourful characters we all meet from time to time—and some smart moves to keep the pulse rate steady.

THE SNIPER

What they do: Snipers like to stay hidden, using the cover of the group as an opportunity to take their shots. It’s safer that way because they’re banking on the fact that you’re not going to call them out and increase the level of discomfort in the room.

What you can do: You bring down the sniper when you expose him or her. But you’re not going to do this in a way that is confrontational or phys­ical. Just come out and say something like: “Ow! That sounded like a cheap shot! I’m amazed you could even pull that off in front of the group. But I know you didn’t mean it that way…”. Essen­tially, make a joke out of it. The sniper doesn’t know what to do with that and it puts you back in control. Remove the cover and you expose the behaviour for what it is.

THE BULLDOZER

What they do: This is the one that thinks he or she is always right and always does things their way. Get on board or get out of the way. These guys are just not open to the opinions of others. Instead of arguing against what you are saying, they will attack you as an individual. A typical re­sponse to a perfectly good argument is: “you just don’t understand how things work.”

What you can do: The trick here is to bring in a third party who remains faceless and nameless, which is very important. If you bring in another specific individual, the Bulldozer will attack that individual as opposed to dealing with the question. Offer something like: “what would you say if some­one asked you…?”

Typically, they’ll respond with, “who?” You say, “well, nobody… just, what if some­one asked you this question, what would your view be?” This gently directs them away from the per­sonal attack and forces them to look at the issue.

THE WHINER

What they do: This is the chronic complainer who never seems to be having a good day. There’s one in every office. They always need to vent, and it’s typically the same problem or a permutation of the same problem. Mostly time-wasters.

What you can do: Whiners might not make you angry, but they do contribute to stress levels, as they’re stealing your time, putting cumulative pres­sure on you. Work with them by challenging their own default position. Say, “I would love to help you out. Come to me with two possible solutions that could work, and I’ll help you brainstorm which is the better idea.” This directs them away from the old behaviour and towards the problem-solving state of mind. They’ll either come to you with the two proposals or they won’t come to you at all.

THE EXPLODER

What they do: This person is probably the hardest to deal with, as these types usually lack aware­ness about how their behaviour appears and how it affects others. When they reach a highly elevat­ed level of anger, they’re just not hearing you. All they hear is the voice in their head.

What you can do: The only way to deal with someone in this explosive state is to call a time out. And the safest way to do it is to say something like, “I’m upset, I’m going to step away from this because I don’t want to say something I might regret.” Very often, that will be heard or at least the person will appreciate your feeling and pos­sibly back down too. It’s best to say it quickly and clearly as you can because they’re not really catching much. The key thing whenever you’re dealing with an explosive person is not to escalate yourself, because it takes two people to fight. And they can’t stay up, if you don’t go up with them.

This typecasting technique can clearly be useful. It helps an executive see through the fog and respond effectively, while, it should be said, respecting each individual’s complexity and per­sonal situation. But it can perhaps be destruc­tive if you apply the principle to yourself. Julie explains: “When you’re on autopilot, particularly in a stressful situation, you tend to ask yourself really dumb questions based on old, irrelevant data. You’ll say, ‘why does this always happen to me?’ Or ‘how could I have been so stupid?’ What we’re doing when we ask these questions is giving the brain a command to go and find an answer that is not appropriate to the event.”

“The trick is to ask better questions,” Julie says. “Questions like, ‘what’s really happening?’ Or, ‘what does this mean?’ And then, ‘how do I want this resolved?’ Also, and critically, ‘how much does it matter? What’s the lifetime value here?’”

“The response that you choose should have some correlation with the nature of the event,” she adds. “Also, just because a particular incident has a particular meaning for you, doesn’t mean others interpret it in the same way. You need to be open to that as well. One of the biggest challenges we have in corporations is when people assume they know what’s going on, what was said, and they think they got it right. But, when in doubt, check it out. It can save a lot of grief.”

www. site.juliechristiansen.com